


Fire Emblem: My Immortal

by Anonymous



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:28:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27159322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Hi my name is Edelgard Sil’vur Hegemon Eagle Way and I have long shiny white hair (that’s how I got my name) with red streaks and black tips that reaches my mid-back and icy lilac eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Garreg Mach in Fodlan where I’m in the first year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, red fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Garreg Mach. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of nobles stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Edelgard von Hresvelg, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth, Edelgard von Hresvelg & Claude von Riegan, Edelgard von Hresvelg/Jeritza von Hrym, Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 11
Kudos: 17
Collections: anonymous





	Fire Emblem: My Immortal

Hi my name is Edelgard Sil’vur Hegemon Eagle Way and I have long shiny white hair (that’s how I got my name) with red streaks and black tips that reaches my mid-back and icy lilac eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Garreg Mach in Fodlan where I’m in the first year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, red fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Garreg Mach. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of nobles stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Edelgard!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Byleth Eisner!

“What’s up Byletht?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was bright red velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Dorothea (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length mahogany brown hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Byleth Eisner yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Byleth?” she asked as we went out of the Black Eagles classroom and into the Reception Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Byleth walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Remire.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Byleth was waiting there in front of his horse. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Byleth!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Edelgard.” he said back. We walked alongside his jet black horse the saddle was engraved with 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped off of the horse. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Byleth, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Byleth looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Byleth sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilda fucking Goneril. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Byleth. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Byleth and I crawled back onto the raven black horse, but Byleth didn’t go back to Garreg Mach, instead he galloped the horse into……………………… the Red Canyon!

“Byleth!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Byleth didn’t answer but he stopped the horse and jumped off of it. I jumped off of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Edelgard?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Byleth leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Byleth kissed me passionately. Byleth climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a rock. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Rhea!

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Rhea made Byleth and I follow er. She kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” she shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Byleth comforted me. When we went back to the castle Rhea took us to Professor Seteth and Professor Manuela who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Red Canyon!” she yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor Manuela.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Seteth.

And then Byleth shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Rhea and Professor Manuela still looked mad but Professor Seteth said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Byleth and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Edelgard?” Byleth asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girls' bathroom and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Byleth was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with red.

In the Dining Hall, I ate some Count Chocula (AN: hes nt n aktul Cont BTW, my dad (whoz da EMPRER) dmotd him) cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with blue streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have ghosts screming at him anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Byleth’s and there were no noodle hair bangs on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy Feargash accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Byleth came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

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Byleth and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Agarthan sings on my nails in red nail polish. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Byleth. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Byleth. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX.  
“Oh Byleth, Byleth!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Byleth’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Byleth pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Byleth ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Seteth and some other people.

“VAMPIRE BLAIDDYD, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Byleth came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Edelgard, it’s not what you think!” Byleth screamed sadly.

My friend K'halid von Riegan smiled at me understatedly. He flipped his long waste-length gothic black hair and opened his crimson eyes like blood that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had pale white skin that he was wearing white makeup on. Claude was kidnapped when he was born. His real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Thales killed his mother and his father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. He still has nightmares about it and he is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out his real first name is K'halid and not Claude. (Since he has converted to Agarthanism he is in the Black Eagles now not Goolden Dear. )

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Seteth demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Byleth!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Edelgard was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebdelgard) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Lorenz, a stupid nobley fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a noble.)

“But I’m not going out with Byleth anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Red Canyon where I had lost my virility to Byleth and then I started to bust into tears.

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Byleth for cheating on me. I began to cry against the rock where I did it with Byleth.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with spiky white hair and silver skin and everything started flying towards me on a dragon! He didn’t look like a human (basically like Thales in the game) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious she wasn’t gothic. It was…… Thales!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Thals shouted “Quake Σ!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Aymr!” I shouted at him. Thales fell of the air and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Edelgard.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Blaiddyd!”

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Byleth had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Byleth went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, Thales!” I shouted back.

Thales gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Byleth!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Thales got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on her face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Byleth!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his dragon.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Byleth came into the woods.

“Byleth!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Garreg Mach together making out.

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I was really scared about Tales. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are K'halid, Vampire, Byleth, Hubert (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with even blacker streaks in it.) and Jeritza. Only today Byleth and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Byleth was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Edelgard! Are you OK?” K'halid asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Thales came and the fucking skank told me to fucking kill Dimitri! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Byleth. But if I don’t kill Dimitri, then Thales, will fucking kill Byleth!” I burst into tears.  
Suddenly Byleth jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser commoner bitch!”

I started to cry and cry. Byleth started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Rhea walked in angrily! Her eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause she had a headache.

“What have you done!” She started to cry wisely. “Edlegard Byleth has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! K'halid tried to comfort me but I told him fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Rhea chased after me shouting but she had to stop when I went into my room cause she would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with red metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Seth was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Hannman was masticating to it! They were sitting on their pegasuses.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Carebear scum!” he yelled at Seteth and Hannyman pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Seteth and Hnneman a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Rhea ran in. “Edelgard, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she shouted looking at Seteth and Haneman and then she waved her hands and suddenly…

Jeritza ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Jeritza? You’re just a little Garreg Mach student!”

“I MAY BE A GARREG MACH STUDENT….” Jeritzitza paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO AN AGARTHANIST!”

“This cannot be.” Seth said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Rhae’s magic spell had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Hennaman held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

“Why are you doing this?” Hannamen said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Jeritza said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his scythe in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

“Because you’re goffic?” Setet asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Nemesis.

“Because I LOVE HER!”

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Byelth had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS JEIRitza but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY GHOSTS SPEAK!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my ghosts came back from Duscar!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have ghosts anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo trapped it into a pentagram for me and I always chain it up.” he said back. “Anyway my ghosts appeared and turned back into the my dead family! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Byleth…………….Thalles has him bondage!”

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists. Steth and Hanamen and JERETZA were there too. They were going to Enbar after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Rhea had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Jertza came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Edalgerd I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up nobles like you.” I snapped. Jertiza had been mean to me before for being gottik.

“No Eldegard.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser noble?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Roody Gulliani p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Steth and Hnaneman.” Who MASTABATED to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his scythe at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a noble.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Blyeth?”

Jiretza rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Eddlegard,” Rhaea said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD LADY!” Jerztza yelled. rHEa lookd shockd. I guess she didn’t have a headache or else she would have said something back.

Jerrizta stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof rheea!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a noble so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

“You look kawai, girl.” K'halid said sadly. “Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Stet and Haamenan couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair and Maintenance Of Your Weapons. He looked all depressed because Byleth had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Byleth. He was sucking some blood from a Knight of Seiros.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Dimitri had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Byleths. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor Manuela who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Byleth!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY GHOSTS ARE SCREAMING!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have ghosts anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo locked them into a pentagram for me and I always chain it up.” he said back. “Anyway my ghosts screamed and then I had a vision of what was happening to Byleth…………….Tahles has him bondage!”

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Rhea. We were so scared.

“Rheea Rheaa!” we both yelled. Rhea came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” she asked angrily.

“Taljes has Byleth!” we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Byleth!” we begged.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Thakes does to Byleth. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Edlagerd.” she said while she frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then she walked away. Vampire started crying. “My Byleth!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his crest and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we were in Tahles lair! Its called Shamabahalla

We ran in with our daggers out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Bloganogne!”  
It was……………………………….. Thales!

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

We ran to where Theals was. It turned out that Thales wasn’t there. Instead the weird girl who killed Jeralt was. Byleth was there crying tears of blood. Kronya was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Kroonya.

“Rid my sight you despicable nobles!” she shouted as we started shooting her with the gun she Then suddenly she looked at me and she fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “EdelgardIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” she said. (in dis she is sixteen yrs old so shes not a pedofile ok)

“Huh?” I asked.  
”Edlegard I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Kroyna. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking skank.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed her in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

“Nooooooooooooo!” she screamed. She started screaming and running around. Then she fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“Kronya what art thou doing?” called Thales. Then…… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our pegasuses and we flew to Garreg Mach. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Byleth taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and nobles here except for K'halid, because he’s not ugly or anything.”

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the nobles anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Byleth.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Seteth and Hannamen took a video of me naked. Jertzita says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Kronya is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Byleth! Why couldn’t Nemesis have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory edalgerd isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.

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“Edelgard Edelgard!” shouted Byleth sadly. “No, please, come back!”

But I was too mad.

“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!” I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Byleth and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Heavy Armor class.

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my shiny silver hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Heavy Armor work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Byleth!

“Edlegard I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker nobles and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to sing “Da Chronicles of Life and Death” (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some fucking nobles stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Byleth’s now) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Hnneman shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Remire Village right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Author's Note (for real this time):** I was going to keep going with this but tbh I'm exhausted and don't have the mental energy for it to be on my tasks list, so this fic is getting orphaned so the stats from it don't show up on my stats page because I'm weirdly anal about this sort of thing and feel like this fic does not belong to me, but belongs instead in the aether of fandom. Sorry to the people to whom I said I'd continue this, I changed my mind.


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